Parents are Shepherds, not Engineers
Lessons from Dr Russell Barkley
Watch the video below before reading:
One of the most refreshing ideas in modern parenting comes from psychologist Dr Russell Barkley, who reminds us that parents are shepherds, not engineers.
Many of us approach parenting as if our job is to design, control, and optimise every aspect of our children’s lives. We carefully plan their education, activities, friendships, and future careers. While good planning has its place, Dr Barkley argues that this mindset can lead to frustration because children are not machines to be engineered.
A shepherd has a different role.
A shepherd guides, protects, encourages, and creates safe opportunities for growth. The shepherd cannot force the sheep to become something they are not, but can help them reach their destination safely.
Likewise, our children are unique individuals created by Allah with their own strengths, weaknesses, personalities, and paths through life. Our responsibility is not to control every outcome but to provide guidance, boundaries, support, and good examples.
The Prophet ﷺ himself demonstrated this shepherding approach. He nurtured, advised, encouraged, and guided people, while recognising that ultimate guidance and outcomes belong to Allah.
How Adventure Helps Parents Become Better Shepherds
One of the challenges of modern parenting is that we often feel the need to solve every problem for our children. Yet resilience, confidence, leadership, and responsibility are qualities that grow through experience.
This is why adventure is so powerful.
When a child climbs a mountain, paddles a canoe, navigates a trail, or helps build a campfire, they encounter real challenges and real opportunities for growth. Parents don’t need to engineer every lesson. The environment itself becomes a teacher.
At Muslim Family Adventures, we regularly see children surprise themselves. A child who thought they couldn’t complete a hike reaches the summit. A nervous teenager learns to lead a group. A family discovers that they are capable of far more than they imagined.
These moments cannot be manufactured. They emerge naturally when children are given opportunities to explore, struggle, persevere, and succeed.
A Question for Parents
The next time your child faces a challenge, ask yourself:
“Am I trying to engineer an outcome, or am I shepherding them through the journey?”
Sometimes the greatest gift we can give our children is not another instruction, solution, or intervention—but our calm presence, encouragement, and trust that they can grow through the experience.
Like a shepherd, we walk alongside them, guiding them towards faith, character, and maturity while trusting Allah with the outcome.
“Each of you is a shepherd, and each of you is responsible for his flock.” (Bukhari & Muslim)
Muslim Family Adventures creates opportunities for families to grow together through hiking, camping, canoeing, expeditions, and outdoor challenges that build resilience, connection, and faith.
Discover upcoming adventures at:
www.muslimfamilyadventures.uk/adventures
